Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Why I Have Friends On The Internet

During the three last years of being at school and really active online, people have been failing to understand, why I talk with people on the net. And to be fair, I haven't been very good at explaining it either, but that is mostly because these are quite personal reasons. I do admit I have a kind of addiction to my phone and like with every addiction, I got into it feeling bad and experiencing talking with someone who is not actually standing in front of you a very soothing habit.

I have been bullied for a long time, none of it was really harsh, but it was certainly isolation and avoidance I experienced. It is not easy to be without a single real friend during all of puberty and being pretty much done with it now at 17, I am questioning a lot of things. No matter what, the internet definitely made me the person I am today and I am happy with that. There was a time before internet for me and being straight, it was a hard time. I had no friends and music was the only thing I relied on. A lot of my time was spent and wasted in front of TV which went hand in hand with avoiding any kind of school work.

The good thing is, I am a clever girl. I could memorize enough during the lessons so I mostly passed without studying a single word. I always wished to have good marks and it seemed that I was tied to a life of average achievement. I felt low on energy as well, it all added up on me. Pressure at school, endless as well as pointless discussions at home that sucked the life out of me and the constant feeling that I mean nothing to anyone around me whatsoever. At some point I got very irritable. A simple remark could make me explode and I realized that I sometimes lost control over my body. When someone physically humiliated me, I would either ignore it and take it in or rage and push them back with as much force as needed to make them stop. The climax of all these developments in my psyche was a school trip in summer, the last one with some of my former classmates and at this point I was already so sick. I intentionally posed with a sad, cold face in every picture, because I swore to myself to show them what it really looked like inside of me, I was desperate to show them what they had done to me. But they never cared.

I had panic at night, up until this day I cannot sleep without the light on in my room, unless someone sleeps with me. I had mental breakdowns in the evening, unable to stop crying. I still do sometimes, because of things that others would probably not cry about, but at least I can name reasons now. Mostly it was just the whole situation that became too much for me. I tried to be cold, completely against my nature of empathy and love. It just got me more frustrated. And then I got onto the internet.

My parents had kept me away from its influence for a long time. In the beginning I was very confused, trusted the wrong people, because I was just so happy to even have someone to trust who won't disappoint me right away and at least they wouldn't leave me behind, they understood me. I felt not so alone anymore. I didn't feel like I was the reason for all bad anymore. Actually I started considering it's not my fault I am so hated, maybe it's just bad luck, or even destiny.

It took around two years until I had finally realized what the internet meant and what I actually wanted to be up there from me, by this time it was already to much to ever delete without a trace. Clearly this is a different topic.

So why do I talk to people on the internet and not with real ones?
To a certain grade it is experience. I mostly made bad experiences talking with people face to face, if I made friends they would soon find someone better and leave me behind before they every really knew me. And that leads me to my second point, on the internet my mind started to matter. I wasn't always appreciated for my views and opinions, but seeing people wonder about my thoughts made me feel important. There were a lot of things I would tell people on internet, but not in real life because they would have called me a drama queen and just made fun of me.

The friends I have on net have changed over time, but the time I spend chatting with them hasn't. Chatting is a fixed part of my life and I know it is an addiction, but I am unwilling to change it as long as I am still so miserable in real life. I have gotten a broader horizon, good things as well as bad things and I am convinced that the internet has all in all had a good influence on me. This always depends on what one regards as good.

It may seem strange to some, but now I cannot change what has happened in the past, I cannot change the way things went. After all it seems to me I almost broke under the social pressure of fitting in, but I stayed strong, even if it meant accepting tears, being called bad things and being insecure about everything I say. It's not easy to be a loner, when your heart is not made to live like that. It is hard to do your best, to do what you know you can when all the energy is flowing out of you and none is returning.

This is a very personal post after a long time but I needed to get this out.

The situation now has improved drastically. I feel accepted by most people in my class, attacks are rare. Mostly it's me saying something wrong when I don't even want to. Sometimes I am still suicidal, but the thoughts have developed far away from actually killing myself. Being alive is easier when you have someone who is willing to listen to your deepest misery and almost - insanity. Loneliness is poison.